I don't know if you guys have noticed it but I have deliberately avoided blogging about my plans after college, right after graduation when everything starts to materialize to be exact. That is despite how all the thinking, soul-searching, and creation of a pros & cons list drove me to the brink of insanity. I've really been "out of myself" for the past few weeks. It's been a blur of fear, insecurity, pride, optimism, and passion--just a mix of ideas and emotions. I was lost. And blogging to ask for advice was just out of the question.

Although I am aware that hearing other people's take of the matter would have been very helpful (like opinions from Sassy, Punzi, and Jillsabs on law; Tito Rolly's sharing about education, other fresh grads talking about prospects, etc.), I wanted to figure things out for myself. Of course I asked a few (only three) trusted friends for facts and perspectives but the final decision was to be mine. I wanted to hear what my heart had to say. I wanted my feet to lead me to the path I was destined to take. I had the notion that it would just come to me, or that a sign would get me to the answer. So I waited, and waited, and thought, and looked inside me.

And to my own surprise, I was able to do it. Even if it took a long while and buckets of tears were shed. So yey!!! Now I know exactly what I want. I have finally arrived at a final decision. Of course I'm still a little bit scared and a little bit insecure. I don't think I could ever get that out of my system. But this plan feels right. So I am hoping and praying that it IS right. The time has come for me to share.

Are you guys familiar with the marshmallow test? It is a psychological exercise designed to cultivate the delaying of gratification among kids.

Here is how it goes: A child is presented one marshmallow and is told that if he/she doesn't eat the sweet treat right away (in the span of a certain number of minutes), he/she will be rewarded with an additional marshmallow. Some parents do a variation by substituting another goodie in place of the marshmallow, equating an increase in the food with specific time periods, imposing a stay-in-the-room rule, and other techniques.

The Goal: However the test may be executed and whatever pastry may be involved, the point is to teach the child that what is good and readily available is not necessarily the best option. It is hoped that the child will realize that patience, self-control, and strategy can lead one to a winning situation. Such would serve as a precedent for the individual to work hard for the things he/she wants.

My parents put me through the marshmallow test when I was young. They used mallows, the chocolate covered marshmallow on top of a cookie, since that was my favorite.

I failed.

What can I say? I loved 'em mallows and nothing was gonna stop me from gobbling it up. Not even the promise of another one. The adorable and cunning angel-devil that I was back then, I figured I could put on my "sweetie look" to persuade my parents to give me more.

Ack! I'm so ashamed.

I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Of course, I wanted to be many things. At one time or another, I had also aspired to be a gymnast, a figure skater, Little Miss Philippines, and the person who wraps gifts at department stores' gift counter. In my teenage years, the list has expanded to include personal shopper, magazine editor, segment producer, pre-school teacher, NGO volunteer, etc. But through most of my life, it was the law that has planted the deepest seed of desire inside my heart.

Upon hearing my big dream, a lot of people would remark, "Why do you want to be a lawyer? It's dirty and dangerous. Get a stable 8-5 high-paying job." I could only flash an uncomfortable smile and stop myself from hitting the person with an ax while screaming, "Bakit ka ba nangingialam? [Why are you butting in my business?]" Argh! *&%^$&*%# *Rachelle mutters incoherently" Some people think they know better than you when it comes to your life! If they were so "together," why are their husbands cheating on them? Why don't they get promoted? Why don't they try passing the law school entrance exam if they though it was easy? Tell me!

Okay, I'm digressing. But what I'm trying to say is this: I do know that the political and legal situation, especially in this country, is far from ideal. As far as the North Pole is from the South Pole. But somehow I could never get dissuaded. There is on one hand all those bad things people who don't know enough about or know the wrong kind of politics and law have to say. And believe me, it's nothing new. Always the same thing. Then there are the things I know.

I first got it from looking up at that big shelf of law books in the family house. I remember seeing big words I couldn't read well/read right at the time and asking the adults what they were about. The books baffled me 'coz I was only used to thin picture-filled fairy tales. My Lola Meng said, "'Yang mga 'yan ang tumutulong sa Lolo Mong mo na makatulong. [Those help your grandpa help people.]" The answer left me confused. I didn't know just how those books helped and what kind of help my grandpa extended. But from hearing praise and gratitude from so many people in our town and beyond for the honorable Atty. Guillermo San Pedro, I gained the knowledge that those books were definitely something.

The knowledge recurred to me all throughout childhood. While grandma let me watch adult drama series with lawyers, I gained respect for the men and women who walked the halls of justice to right the wrong and keep the order.

As I grew older, I became fond of Ally McBeal and designed chic blazers and short skirts in the sketchpad of my mind. But that was a shallow stage... The only thing that can be noted about it is that it showed how I was starting to live the life of a lawyer inside my mind, how I was starting to become familiar with it as it was living inside me. Moving on...

In college, I took Political Science classes, read the newspapers daily, got involved in a political organization, sharpened my mind as well as toughen my support for causes, had meaningful discussions with great minds about politics/law/society, read through Plato's The Republic, mused about my "role" in life, etc. All of it made the law more real to me. I understood it better. But unlike some classmates who saw the holes and resigned to not getting involved, I was drawn. Like a moth to a flame. I sincerely believed that things could change. The principles are correct. Not all that are in it are dirty. I knew I could step in and become a part of it. That was when the desire burned within me.

The last straw was meeting prisoners during an org tour. Hearing their stories, I wanted to re-write the book to give it a happy ending.

The knowledge is plain and simple: I believe in the law. And I think I am fit to its demands. I know I could use the law to grow as an individual and most importantly, to help other people and make a difference.

And like a sign from the gods that it is meant to be, my wish came true. I passed the entrance exam to the University of the Philippines' College of Law. With no need for interview. How is that for a blessing? :) I was so happy. I really thought that nothing is gonna stop me from finally becoming what I've always dreamed to be. But stories always have a twist.

April 2005: I found myself in quite a predicament.

My parents weren't too eager to send me to law school. It really isn't ideal considering the family's financial situation. Dad and mom have just had a sigh of relief as I graduated. They have two more sons and one more daughter to support. That's two in college and one in high school. So though we could probably manage since tuition at UP is much cheaper than that in Ateneo, there were hesitations. I don't want to be a burden. So I've had to think...

And as if the constraint involving money isn't enough to signal the end of my mission in life, I started receiving job offers left and right. Though I was a little pissed off at first 'coz it strengthened my parents' argument of me working first, I was flattered. I know that it's hard to get a job nowadays. I should be thankful for the opportunities presented to me. Striking insurance companies and call centers off the list as I had said no to them immediately, I had the following to choose from:

1. a writing stint for a fashion show in a leading television network*

+ fun and challenging job--one that I have always loved

+ writing + fashion = fun

+ active social life--meeting celebs is part of it

- so-so salary

- time is not controlled--they call you whenever they need you

- stressful--the environment in a network is highly political

2. a slot in the Marketing department of a large magazine distributor*

* The work involves client calls so I get to meet magazine owners and author. It also includes coming up with promotions for magazines and books. And the company had loads of best-sellers and over 700 magazines under them so that is great. The only problem is that it's not really the way I want to be involved in media.

+ mags + books for free = a happy me

+ meeting clients

+ okay salary

- so-so job

3. a teaching position in an exclusive Catholic school*

* Because I don't have a degree in Education, the school will make me take a few Education units as is required for one to be able to teach. So my schedule would involve preparing for my classes (4 sections), holding the classes, and taking my own classes.

+ challenging job--molding the minds of the young is quite something

+ an additional degree--just think, I have Political Science, Communication, Literature AND EDUCATION to my name

+ high salary

- physical stress--from managing the kids and juggling Education classes

- emotional stress--'coz I'm sure I'd be the type who would really care and bring students' problems home

- the money and effort needed to get that second degree

4. a Sales position in a corporation*

* To be honest, the corporate scene isn't really my thing. I didn't expect to beat a lot of people out for the precious slot. At first, I was only enticed by how large and dynamic the company is. I didn't even know what they were considering me for. But I got through the series of tests and interviews and they said they're looking at grooming me to be a Sales agent, maybe even manager if I prove to be good. But if there is anything the Unilever experience taught me, it's that I shouldn't be closing my doors. So I checked the job out and it turns out to be interesting.

+ challenging and promising job--I think I'd be great in Sales, and this is not like insurance sales or anything. We're talking huge clients.

+ high salary--aside from the numerous benefits

+/- a car plan--I'm not sure whether to put this as a pro or a con. It'd be cool to have a car. But I don't know how to drive. As of now at least. And though learning how to is okay for me, I'm not exactly thrilled about it.

+/- corporate dress code--Farewell kikay clothes! I hate to say goodbye to you but I need to! * sad goodbye * But maybe a classic chic look would be nice if I put some Rachelle details into it (say like accessories, scarves, etc).

* Name of company/institution not mentioned because:

1. I don't think it's necessary (especially for the one I've chosen, for my privacy)

2. I don't want them being able to track me down through an internet search

So there. I was faced with a huge problem.

My train of thought:

1. There is no way I could just go ahead and study law. It would be hard for our family. And I personally don't want to impose.

I must tell you, that feeling of having a chance at something you really want and being denied of it when you are so close is the most frustrating thing in the world. But what was I to do? Certain realities need to be faced.

2. So the answer is to get a job.

The Original Plan: take job #2 in the morning (since it's the closest and most practical) and the law evening classes

I figured I could do it. Why did I have to choose between law school and work when both were being offered to me? I know that I am determined so I can make it if I do my best.

3. For a while there, I thought that that was that. But getting further details about law school and about job #2, I saw not just a few problems. It was evident that what I wanted to do was difficult. I hanged on to it for a while 'coz I didn't really want to let go of my dream. I wanted to make it work but I saw how so-like suicide that was with the stress involved.

thinking until my head hurt

feeling sorry for myself

feeling outraged that I passed but am having problems

considering the other options

praying

waiting

requirement deadlines for law school and the job offers looming in the near horizon

At twenty and a fresh graduate, going to law school is my marshmallow. I want it so badly. I know that it is my destiny. And the fact that it is within my reach seduces me. It calls out to me and I feel powerless. "Oblige," my instincts instructed. I reached that point where I thought about risking everything and just going for it.

I don't know how it happened. I don't know what pushed me. But I was able to pull through.

Last week, I've decided to delay gratification. I want the marshmallow. But I know that two of it, maybe even a box if I play the game right, is even better. So I'll have it after 3-5 minutes (translate: years). I've signed up for job #4 since it is obviously the best among the offers, the most useful in leading me to the ultimate step. My plan is to:

* develop myself to the fullest - My dad says that he wants me to work first even if we could find a way to finance my studies because there is a tendency for the law to be pure concept. Especially when one has an academic burnout. He prescribes experience in the "real world" for a few years because he thinks it will give me a good grasp of the things I need to know and thus I will have some "grounding" when I get into those cases, statutes, documents, etc. I agree.

* have fun - I think I deserve it. I will regret not taking law (that's why I need to make sure the fire inside me isn't put out) but if I went for the working student option, I will also regret letting the peak of my youth, the 20-25 age range, pass by without enjoying myself.

* launch a career - So that I'd have a fallback and I could explore other fields. I don't think I could do just law, just media, or just a corporate career. I'm the kind of person who needs to keep on learning and trying things. This will be a good start.

* save up - I want to support my own bid to law school and take the burden off my parents' shoulders. I think it would make them proud. And I'd make myself proud.

So I am making a promise. When I am ready, when I am in the best physical, emotional, intellectual, and financial state I could be in, I will bite into that dream of being a lawyer. Not now. But definitely in the future. I am going to pass this marshmallow test. I'm sure it's worth the wait.