Forty days. 4-0. I can't believe it has been that long. Time has been a friend. It helped me let go and move on. Yet at the same time, I can't believe how quick 40 days can pass. It feels like it was just yesterday and the loss and the pain (at least some of them!) still hang in the air. I must say that a 40 days celebration can really bring about confused (dramatic and yet not easily identifiable) feelings.

It has been over a month since my beloved grandfather passed away. In his honor, I would like to share something I wrote in my diary the week after the funeral. I didn't have enough guts to post this back then because I felt so unworthy to say such things. I felt hypocritical making realizations and discovering truths but not acting upon them because I found it really hard to do. I knew. But that was all. Anyway, enough of that. Now is a good time.

Note: I didn't edit it anymore. I think it's more truthful and effective that way 'coz it captures my feelings back then. So a reminder, please don't be confused with the time and the context. This was a month ago. This was back in my "depressed phase."

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When it comes to putting life in perspective, nothing beats death. I know it sounds ironic but it's true.

Although the past week was a blur of flowers, strangers, prayers, biscuits, tetra packs, and Bible verses, I have reached what seems to be my highest level of self-awareness. I saw the person that I am and the reason of my existence. I found myself in the small things. I have gotten in touch with my being in a very real way. For the most part, it was satisfying. Knowing that I have made my parents proud, knowing that I have developed a sense of excellence, and knowing that I have created many fruitful relationships brings about a feeling of elation. However, I also saw some ugly sides of me, bad camera angles as I'd call them looking upon the lens of self-criticism. More particularly, this has to do with my academic and emotional burnout.

I felt (and actually I'm still feeling) lost, tired, beaten, unsuccessful-just really sad and desperate. It seems as if I am trapped in a quicksand. After one blow, I tell myself that things will be okay and I try to make reparations but my efforts are in vain. Each attempt only causes negative action and drowns me further in the quicksand. The blows just keep on coming and the sun is oh-so-far. To be perfectly honest, I'm starting to think that I'm not as strong, as determined, as smart, and as optimistic as I've always thought I am. This phase in my life points out to me that I am not indestructible. I can crack. I have cracked. Right now, I feel like I am nothing more than fragments-broken pieces that yearn to be brought back together. How I wish to be mended. How I wish for things to return to their order, happiness, and beauty.

All that questioning, all that sadness... and then there is this: Tatay's death. It kind of throws everything in the opposite direction.

The still strong and still optimistic although very little and very vulnerable part of me is asking: How can I be feeling this way? How can I think that I am alone? How can I be so selfish as to think that my hardships are significant?

Tatay never frowned. He never failed to see the bright side. He endured all trials. He fought and fought and fought, all the way to his very last breath. He must have at some point of his life felt this broken too, maybe even more as in seriously damaged. But he managed to put everything back together.

It's not enough that I think of him in a positive way, smile, not mourn so much, and keep happy memories. I owe it to him and to his example to do something about my situation. I'm sure if he was here with me, he'd do everything he can to cheer me up. Perhaps he'll buy me that pink popcorn sold in the streets. Perhaps he'd sing me a Mike Hanapol hit. Perhaps he'd bug me to death about smiling. One thing is for sure: he'd tell me to stand up.

I'm not very confident of my capacity to heal but I will at least give it a try. I mean, who knows when the Big Boss up there will bid me to come? Being prepared by making the most out of life is the only way. The examples of my Tatay and the others before him is a true wake-up call. I hope I have enough strength to do as I have realized.

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Oh my God! Reading that was um, let's just say, an experience. Oh, I was such a drama queen! Hehe... ;p But I do confess to being uber senti.

But seriously, I'm glad things are better now. I wasn't able to respond to Tatay's example and the lessons his death brought about as quickly or as effectively as I should have or I wanted to. Nonetheless, I'm sure he's proud of me 'coz I did it just the same. Not yet completely but slowly I'm doin' it. I hope when the day comes that I am reunited with him, I can say that I am one strong whole piece.