* I was not asked to deliver a eulogy in my grandpa's funeral. My aunts and uncles will be the ones to do that. But I think my grandpa deserves to be immortalized in my writing. After all, he is one of my inspirations. Also, this is a way of letting go of him and of saying goodbye. So here goes...

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I never saw him frown. I recall each and every moment I was with him to the best of my memory but I really don't remember seeing him frown. No, not a single instance.

When I think about it, I did not only not see him frowning but I've never seen him wince, complain, look serious, get mad, and just show a lack of control. My grandpa or tatay as we fondly call him, was always smiling. He was always kidding around. He always made things lighter when there were problems. He was our sunshine.

I'm sure he cried and frowned and got mad one time or another. But he never showed it. Especially in front of us, his grandchildren. And it's not because of the stupid machismo idea that boys shouldn't cry. Tatay didn't cry and he didn't frown because he was strong. He didn't cry and he didn't frown because he didn't want to cause sadness to the people around him. He didn't cry and he didn't frown because he always saw the bright side to things. He didn't cry and he didn't frown simply because he could not find himself able to. He loved life, every single bit of it, sh*t and all.

I guess that is why I was startled when I saw him lying in the cold tray at the morgue, his face blank. He looked calm enough. He wasn't like other dead people whose faces showed fear and pain. But he was not smiling. And so I felt strange.

I went away from the corpse and took a moment to look back at the times we spent together. Tatay was such a character. He always left me amused. Each conversation and each minute endeared him all the more to me.

Everytime I was heading back to the dorm, he would say, "O, may maghahatid na ba sa iyo? Asan ang daddy? Kung wala ako na ang maghahatid sa iyo." And he didn't even know how to drive!

On January 2, the day after New Year and there were leftover firecrackers, he took a super lolo and he put it in the garbage bin the maid threw old leaves in. So when the maid lighted it up, the super lolo went crackling away frightening her. My grandpa, old as he was, looked like a mischievous young devil at that moment.

One time, we were going out and he and nanay had to fit themselves at the front seat beside the drivers in an owner. Nanay, the same person responsible for my taray genes, was already complaining. She was going, "Ano ba 'yan? Ang sikip-sikip naman dito? Pedro, ano ba? Wala bang ibang sasakyan? Hindi na ako makahinga. Ang sikip!" She was going on and on and on. Tatay broke the tension by saying, "Parang nasa langit na ako basta kapiling kita." Nanay responded, "Ihulog kita diyan eh!" but even she couldn't suppress smiling at the sweet albeit baduy line. Tatay and nanay looked like Rogelio dela Rosa and Gloria Romero in an old romantic movie with that scene.

Tatay is also the one to defend me from my dad's strictness when it comes to boys. He is the kunsintidor although I didn't take advantage of his approval of course. When my dad would "joke" to my uncle that I'm not marrying and all that, tatay would interrupt with, "Sayang naman tatandang dalaga ang apo ko eh ang ganda pa naman. Asan na ang manliligaw mo? Harine at ako ang tatanggap." It was nice knowing that there was one guy in my entire clan who will not shoot whoever would dare court me.

These are just some of the things I remember about tatay. There are many more like his love for lechon, his generosity with us and with the people in our barangay, his contribution of church bells to the local parish (he even asked the priest not to say it came from him but the priest thanked him at mass because he couldn't let a big contribution go unnoticed), his sponsoring candles every time there is a procession (as in crates of candles, around ten to twenty crates), his fondness of Mike Hanapol (he even sings along sometimes), his great skills in dama, his cheering for basketball teams (Crispa and Ginebra are his favorites), etc. Tatay was just so wonderful! He is the coolest lolo ever.

I will continue to go to his wake and help out. I will be there on the day of his burial. But I don't think I'd want to look into his coffin even if I always look inside the coffins of the dead I visit at their wakes. I just couldn't bear to see him without that charming smile.

I mean, even during his last moments, he chose to look strong. Apparently, he had been feeling bad for several days already but when he was asked, he always said that he was ok. That night, he seemed agitated but he didn't want to be brought to the hospital. He just kept hugging nanay and Tito Boy. In the morning, when he had the fatal heart attack, he tried to speak and said, "Okay lang ako" even though he really didn't look fine. That's just the way he is. He is strong, concerned about others, and an optimist and believer. I am going to respect that.

I really will resist the urge to look at him one last time in that coffin. I think the pictures of him inside my head are enough. There he is smiling. He will always be smiling. And a memory of him will always make me smile.